Last last year, my spiritual director recommended I read God’s Voice Within written by Fr Mark Thibodeaux SJ. I practically devoured it, and since then I have been adamant in saying that this is the book I wish I’d read earlier in the year because, for me, 2022 was a year of discernment in epic proportions.

In the late spring of 2022, I completed my bachelor’s degree in philosophy. Anyone who’s studied philosophy can tell you: one of the reactions you are bound to receive upon sharing your major with others is their asking, “What are you going to do with that?” I’d been trying to answer tough questions for years by this point, yet the answer to this one remained the most elusive. I can honestly say that I had very little idea: having become somewhat disillusioned by the world of academia, I had nothing more than vague ideas about what I might do next. So, to give me some time to think it over, I left for a monastery not long after the semester ended in order that I might find the time and space to think deeply about where God was leading me next.

My time at the monastery was one that I would not totally appreciate until it was given the benefit of hindsight. These were some of the most wonderful men I’d ever met in my life, but even then I walked away with only a vague sense of what my calling in life might be; and after one month I returned to the world with a plan not much more refined than the one I had left with.

Upon my return, the pressures of the world began to increase. I had trouble finding good work to make money, and I began to put thoughts of where I was called to the back of my mind. For the first time in my life as a catholic, my spiritual life began to suffer. I began to make more and more rash choices, which culminated in my moving in with family in the city and enrolling in a sensible-sounding business program at a nearby college. I must confess that I had my doubts about this: more than anything I wanted to convince myself that I was making the right choice, but my fears were compounded when I listened to a homily given by the Bishop on the parable of the talents. Was I burying the one talent I had?

Quickly, I began to realise that the program wasn’t for me. My grades were fine—that was no problem—however I was left deeply dissatisfied and unhappy with what I was doing. It was about this time that I began to receive spiritual direction, and read God’s Voice Within. Ignatian spirituality, more than anything else, gave me the tools to understand the good and evil spirits at work in my life, and reorient me to being more receptive to God’s grace. In particular, it was reading about disquietness that enabled me to take a breath, and separate myself from the drama going on in my head. In the end, I gave it a great deal of thought and prayer, and it became clear: there would be no peace for me in what I was doing for what I was doing was burying myself under the weight of sensibility; but we are not made for what only appears to be sensible! In the words of the late Pope Emeritus:

The world offers you comfort. But you were not made for comfort. You were made for greatness

Benedict XVI

This motif led to the conviction that I was burying my talent, and that I had a moral obligation to seek greatness where I feel I am called. So, I got to work on making a change, which I did: I was accepted to a Master of Divinity program at the University of St Michael’s College, and by the time of publication, I’ll have just finished my first week. To make the decision was not easy, and could very well have not worked out; and for that, I can only thank God since it was ultimately Him who made it happen. Nevertheless, I owe St Ignatius a debt of gratitude in that his spirituality was the catalyst. In fact, his influence could not be any more apparent, as you’ll discover:

I’ve begun to make daily Mass a habit, and have generally attended the parish nearest to my home; and one morning, after Mass, I thought I would have a look around the church, and what did I find? Quite by coincidence, I saw a relic (ex ossibus) from the bone of St Ignatius of Loyola.

So, what did I learn in ’22? First and foremost, that God is at work in all of our lives and the saints do intercede for us even when we have trouble believing it. Secondly, that St Ignatius’s rules for the discernment of spirits are a powerful tool to help you follow the will of God in your life. And lastly, that it is spiritually and emotionally suffocating to bury your talent(s), and that self-denial is not to be intended as a denial of who you are, but rather an exercise in self-discipline. If there is a point to my story at all, I believe it is these three things; and for anyone who may be struggling to find direction and motivation, I would strongly recommend to them Fr Thibodeaux’s book.