The Agony of Choice

Lately I’ve been wrestling with many of my own choices, fearing that perhaps I’d chosen wrongly or poorly, and wondering whether the path I’d chosen is the one God would have me take.

I said to my spiritual director, “I don’t feel that I’ve thought this through enough.” With such an important decision, I thought I might need to put more thought into it, so I wasn’t feeling very confident. I was fearful that I’d made the wrong choice.

She replied, “I think you have, but just haven’t realised it yet. Ask yourself where [God’s] grace might be present in that decision, and let yourself be led a bit.” Now, I had no idea what she was talking about when I heard this, but it stayed with me, and these past few days I’ve had time to mull it over.

Letting God’s Grace Lead you

I remember one time when I volunteered at an elementary school, I was tasked with managing a sandpit treasure hunt for the kids. A lot of these children would have trouble finding treasure, so for the sake of their self-esteem, I would sometimes drop a piece of treasure right in front of them. Believe it or not, many of them would still miss it. It was like they had the most acute tunnel vision, and couldn’t see anything unless it was held right in front of their eyes. My thought is this: how I saw those children is how God sees us sometimes.

Are we beloved? Yes. Are we intelligent? Yes. Are we made in the image of God? Yes, yes, yes! But we, too, have tunnel vision, and can spend ages searching through the sandpit. We don’t always know what will be good for us, but God does. So, we are reliant on God’s grace to move us towards making a decision that we may not be ready to accept ourselves.

In my own case, I was stuck in a loop of thought, thinking maybe there’s something else I could be doing, but never wanting to settle for less than perfect. I was paralysed by my options. I was immobilised by my own fear of getting it wrong. In Dante’s Inferno, the poet Virgil says:

If I have understood what you have said … your soul has been assailed by cowardice, which often weighs so heavily on a man—distracting him from honorable trials—as phantoms frighten beasts when shadows fall.

Virgil to Dante, Dante’s Divine Comedy, Inferno, Canto ii

A lot of the time it’s cowardice—not maliciousness—that keeps us from doing the right thing, or anything at all. Letting ourselves be led by trusting that God will guide us on the right path or deliver us from the wrong one can help us overcome our cowardice.

Thou Art With Me

As the Psalmist writes:

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I fear no evil;
for thou art with me;
    thy rod and thy staff,
    they comfort me.

Psalm 23:4

So, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by a choice, remember these words from Scripture, and let yourself be led by accepting God’s grace.